Taking a break from my committed relationship
It’s finally come to this.
I was really sad but it felt so empowering to ask him to move out temporarily. I’m quite looking forward to having some alone time again, to make my life plans for myself, to spend time on the violin without feeling guilty, because he had complained endlessly about how loud it was, and my violin practice time has been significantly reduced after we got together.
I had thought that I was in a committed relationship and I trusted him until this weekend …
It turned out Ben actively offered a lady friend to help her with her swimming this weekend, even though he told me he was so happy he was finally able to have some quiet time at home. The problem is that he didn’t ask me at all before making the plans, even out of courtesy.
The outcome is that he’s now gone to the swim, and apparently he’s also planned squash in with her, and given that he’s still not back at this time, they’ve probably gone to grab a coffee or meal together in town lol.
I’m really puzzled. Whenever I wanted to learn something, he usually suggests that I could find free videos to learn. He had suggested which when I started swimming. And now, when a lady friend insinuated that she would like to improve her swim and that she’s a beginner, he volunteers to help and spend time with her rather than sending her free videos from YouTube … And instead of just swimming, they added other activities in addition? Hahaha bullshit.
Originally, when I first found out about it, I told him that if he’s confident that his intention is pure, it’s probably alright to go ahead. He was silent for quite a while. After pushing him to share what’s on his mind, he said that he’s conflicted. He said that he understood how it made me feel and he added that either way he’d upset someone.
The problem is that, he put himself in this position, the position which he has to upset someone. For me, given that I’m in a committed relationship, I rarely put myself in a position where I spend quality alone time with a male friend, because I know people grow feelings from spending quality time together, and even if I’m confident that I have no other intentions, there’s no guarantee that the other person doesn’t. And if the other person does develop feelings for me, I’d feel really guilty, because I technically led them on. As a result, I also don’t accept any offers to hangout, because I don’t want to disrespect the partner at home; well, unless the partner at home has explicitly suggested that they are happy with it or if they’d join us. I have thought that this approach is the most morally sound and a basic common sense that most people with awareness would understand.
I’m surprised that he didn’t understand. He had always been quite sensitive when it came to emotions. Now I wonder if he’s only sensitive when it’s related to his own emotion, and others’ don’t matter to him; his partner’s doesn’t matter, clearly.
During our discussion yesterday, he shared that he had actually considered that offering someone else to swim together would potentially upset me, but he then added that he had thought the very act of asking me would suggest that there’s something inappropriate about it.
He’s not entirely wrong. However, what really triggered me was that he actually had realised he’d potentially upset me, but he chose to proceed regardless. I had originally thought that he did it because of a lack of awareness, and I was clearly wrong. It now appears that the choice he made was deliberate - he was well aware that his choice would make his partner uncomfortable. He had the option to 1) invite me to participate/watch, 2) check with me first, 3) avoid asking her out in the first place, or 4) cancel the plan, but he chose to do what would hurt his partner out of all the options. It’s just not right.
He also went on and on to defend himself, reiterating his intentions. All I wanted was for him to apologise for being inconsiderate, and that he’d check with me in the future. It was quite simple, but he went on and on about his intentions and how he empathised with me before he finally said sorry.
I don’t have much problem with the lady, even though I would not have taken up the offer if I were her in the first place. The problem is with Ben. Given what’s happened this time, what’s preventing the same from happening repeatedly in the future with other people? I know I don’t want to be in a relationship which doesn’t give me security. I don’t want the father of my child to prioritise quality time with other people over time at home.
The trust I had in him has already been lost partially, and I know that trust can’t be rebuilt quickly.
He’s still not returned home, also hasn’t replied to my messages about packing up. I’m now just waiting, and hoping that I could finally have some alone time and figure out if I really need this relationship moving forward.