Unemployment Fear
I’ve noticed myself feeling so demotivated during my down time lately. I’ve not been excited to pick my violin or my drawing tools. Instead, I scroll on websites to see the latest layoff rumours about my employer. Since the most recent drop in stock price, many people have been put on Performance Improvement Plans (PIP), which many corporates use to help employees to become more productive, but it has now become a trick for my employer to lower its employment numbers without needing to payout a heft severance.
Before going on vacation last week, I felt so motivated at work. I was inundated with things to do and I didn’t mind. After finishing one task, I knew immediately what to move on to, and I was excited to keep going. However, as soon as my vacation started, I had a lot more time; my mind became less occupied, and the fear in my mind over unemployment had the opportunity to surface. I always knew that I’m not the most productive in my new team. I’m also not the most capable. My manager and my colleague have been very understanding and supportive to make a plan for me to learn quickly and start owning a component of our team’s work by the end of this year. Despite the support, I still couldn’t help to imagine the possibility of a layoff when the economy is so bad globally and when my employer is actively laying people off.
This is the first year I’ve started to become more cautious with the time at which I take my vacations. I’ve been trying to avoid taking long vacations when everyone else is working, because this would make me look less productive. Despite not celebrating Christmas much, I’m probably going to take quite a few days off this year during Xmas, because it’s when everyone else is off. I really miss how things used to be, when I was able to make my vacation plans independently. I also miss how I could focus on quality over speed and quantity previously, before my team changed.
My body might have been in fight-or-flight mode in the last few weeks but I was just unaware. In the first few days of the vacation, I participated in Ben’s family's activities. It was fun to join them, but every day was busy. As soon as I had some time to rest, I got ill immediately. My body might have finally given up. It all started with a sore throat, then a blocked nose, a drowsy brain, then a mildly high body temperature.
Today is the first day back to work after my vacation and the bank holiday. I struggled to get up. My head was heavy. The air outside the blanket felt cold, and the skin on my torso was hot to the touch. I eventually decided to update my Slack status to Out Sick, and returned to bed. Luna loved it. She sat on top of the blanket, right against me, probably enjoying my warmth.
I finally had enough rest after waking up again at 11am. After having my iron supplement, brushing my teeth, preparing my breakfast, I was back in front of my laptop again, eating, and watching videos on the economy and unemployment, again! I might have been sucked into a spiral by my fear for uncertainty. The more I’m afraid, the more information I’d like acquire to find some certainty; the more information I acquire, the more my fear grows, because all the information is negative; it seems like this downward spiral of our economy will only continue. I, however, don’t want my mental health to be dictated by the poor economic conditions.
I can’t be happier to find time to finally sit down and write about how I’m truly feeling lately. Last weekend, when I was writing the book review, I felt so stuck. My head was blank, but I wanted to type. I had to actively come up with a topic, and the book I just finished the previous night seemed suitable. Today’s journal feels a lot more genuine and long overdue. I only had realised last weekend, that I’ve not written a proper journal since 3 weeks ago. That’s been quite a while, because my life has been in constant movement and there’s always so much to record. I was actually getting a bit concerned that I was gradually losing touch with my mind and feelings, becoming sucked into coping with the day-to-day, and not finding any time to reflect.
I like finishing a journal with some helpful, constructive conclusions, or some actionable plans. It’s clear that reading up about unemployment and following my employer’s layoff rumours have been very bad to my mental health. I should probably really limit the frequency at which I scroll. I think once weekly is sufficient. I’ve literally been doing it multiple times daily, where my day always started with bad layoff news in the morning and some additional ones in the evening before bed. This hasn’t been the best for my mental health at all.
In one of my previous journals, I had said that I’d like to take my phone into the bathroom less. This has definitely been progressing well. I had done it a few more times last week, but overall, I’ve been consciously leaving my phone behind when going to the bathroom.
There’s so much more I’d like to say, but I’ll leave things here for now.