When the need to survive takes me away from the violin
I’ve taken a long hiatus from the violin after my full-time job became stressful this year.
I resumed my violin practice at the start of Covid, in March 2020. During the lockdown, I worked 9-5, showered after work, and practised the violin from 6-9pm, and would have a small bite afterwards, before bed. I practised 3 hours daily around 5 times weekly, and it was so refreshing. I loved having something which I could consistently invest time into during that period, and I loved seeing the progress I made by just putting in the time and effort consistently. I also loved the level of focus and calm I experienced when the sound just flowed out a little wooden box when I drew the bow across the strings.
I later on found my lovely teachers after my self-practice plateaued, and I continued to improve and received the level of training conservatoire students have. I felt like I was really growing as a musician.
Fast-forward to 2024, I met Ben. It was the first time I realised that a serious hobby might need to give way to other aspects of life, that my previous lifestyle was probably only manageable because I didn’t have a partner to attend to, or a family to take care of. It also all clicked that why the ladies at the chamber music courses I attended expressed their longing for more practice time but just couldn’t manage it.
My practice time seriously reduced in 2025, where a 2-hour session felt like a gift. If I managed to touch the violin 3-4 times in one week, it must be a good week. The problem is that, the violin is loud, and when people practice, they don’t play a piece end-to-end. Instead, we pick out the difficult bits that we DON’T play well and practise those repeatedly using various exercises. I also love etudes (exercises) so two-thirds of my practice sessions are dedicated to scales and etudes. It really bothers Ben. He doesn’t love the loud noise, and he wishes that I’d prioritise spending time with him over the violin. My violin has been a source of conflict for us many times in the past two years.
Fast-forward again to 2026, the instability in my work environment has resulted in stress and a lot of overtime. I’ve also been constantly working over the weekends and in the evenings. As a result, when I do find some down time, it’s usually too late in the evenings, and I don’t want to disturb the neighbours with my violin practice, or, sometimes, I just simply don’t have the energy to practise anymore.
It’s been probably 2 months already, where I have hardly touched my violin. I could not be more sad. Ben is away camping this weekend, so I could finally have some alone time at home for an entire weekend. I had time to practise yesterday, but I chose to spend the time on studying for work. And when I wasn’t doing work education, I was on YouTube, just procrastinating. I’ve noticed myself being afraid of touching the violin. The hobby which used to give me so much joy and energy has become a source of sorrow. Whenever I think of it, I just feel sad, like I’ve given an important aspect of my life up so that I could live like other adults who’s life is sucked in by their jobs and families. The worst part is that, I chose to do this — I chose to prioritise a partner and job over the violin, which I had claimed to be the source of my vitality.
I could argue that, without my job, I wouldn’t be able to continue to support my hobbies financially, so that’s why prioritising my job is the sensible thing to do. However, do I really have to stay with this job? Do I really not have the option to find a different job which offers me better work-life-balance, so that I could have more time for the violin and other hobbies again?
I might need some sort of a plan. If the current state of things persists till next year, I’ll need to really seriously consider the option of leaving my current employer. As much as I enjoy studying and learning, I’m tired of allowing a job to eat away my precious free time which is meant for exploring what truly matters to me. From the way I see it, attending to my job is just a way to sustain my living in this big social system that humans have built; it’s just for survival. The downtime I have outside of work is what actually nurtures me, shapes me, and makes my life actually meaningful. I’m cautious of myself being sucked into the system and spending more and more of my time on the wrong activities.
It actually feels really nice to write this down. The thought of looking for other employment opportunities has been on the back of my mind for a while. I have this internal debate of whether I should stay with my current team or employer almost weekly, usually in the morning after opening my eyes, or in the evening after finishing work late. To finally be able to write this out in words makes me realise how important switching job is to me. Writing it out has made the severity of the disruption work has caused me so tangible.
I’ve never been someone who just sit around and let things happen to me, because I want to be the one who actually makes my own decisions and shape how things pan out if there’s clearly a problem to address.
For now, I think the plan is to continue to do the work education needed to see where things go and whether I could meet my manager’s expectations, which he’s lined out clearly for me. If things become more manageable, where work stops sucking away my free time, I’ll stay with my employer and try to resume my more frequent violin practices. If that doesn’t happen, I’ll have to seriously consider other employment opportunities.